“If you prioritize yourself, you are going to save yourself.”
— Gabrielle Union
This quote is so simple but it holds so much weight. Somewhere along the way as I got older I became a people-pleaser and I didn’t fully recognize it for a long time. I knew that I often went out of my way to do nice, courteous things for people and be friendly (even to people who didn’t deserve it), but I always thought that was just me being the sweet, generous person that I am. But now I know that boundaries need to be in place when it comes to giving, especially when you’ve grown up as someone with self-esteem that wasn’t the highest. It follows you into adulthood and causes a string of problems that all have the same root cause: you give too much. You put others before yourself.
In love, friendship, and even acquaintanceship, I have the habit of sticking my neck out for other people hoping it will somehow inspire them to equally give what they’ve received from me, but 9/10 it’s done nothing but encourage people to use me. But in my mind I thought it was a good thing because to use me is to mean that I am useful for something, I’m meaningful to them right? No. And unfortunately I believed that being kept around or tolerated for selfish reasons was better than nothing at all. This entire year so far has been tantamount to a rebirth, it’s not even December yet and I’ve done a complete 180 in the past 6 months. I got rid of and blocked someone that was causing me stress and disrespecting me almost daily, and I NEVER block people because of those boundary issues. There was something in me that was always afraid of cutting off people’s access to me entirely because I’m way too believing that people can change, but I realize people will only improve if they respect themselves enough to do so. How you treat others is how you feel about yourself deep down.
I had a work situation where a coworker tried to intimidate me for doing the right thing and looking out for myself and it shook me up at first because I always knew that prioritizing myself would cost me friendships and whatnot, but I don’t think I was ever emotionally prepared to handle it. I don’t like having conflict in my personal relationships and I avoid it like the plague, which is part of way people have been able to disrespect me and walk over me the way they have. In the past I put myself down in order to put others on a pedestal and keep them pleased, no matter how detrimental it was for me or how bad it made me feel. It sounds absolutely ludicrous but if you’re like me, you’ll understand it completely.
Now that I’ve moved past the fear of putting myself first and always choosing myself above all, and have accepted the possible repercussions that come with that, I fully embrace it. If sacrificing a relationship, friendship, connection, what-have-you, means that I get to remain satisfied and secure with myself, then so be it, because I don’t need anybody around me to make me feel otherwise. I now have no choice but to make up for the decade plus of time that I’ve spent ignoring myself to please others by being incredibly and relentlessly selfish. I may be so selfish to the point where I seem evil but that part of me that usually would care is now buried underneath the finest soil in the finest casket a funeral home has to offer.
Putting yourself first is scary because it means that you will disappoint people and shatter their expectations of you that you once had for yourself as well. it means that you have to leave behind what you thought you needed and wanted in pursuit of something bigger and better that you’ve only just now discovered you needed so badly. It’s scary because a clean slate is required and prioritizing the self can mean often having lonely moments. Once you’ve gone from people-pleasing to centering yourself, there is absolutely no turning back because the freedom and pleasure that comes with treating yourself like the monarch you know yourself to be is enticing. It’s satisfying. It is peaceful. It is true love personified. I often wish I had known this feeling sooner but I also think my life has gone the way it has thus far to teach me these lessons.
A few days ago I made a tweet to see if there were more Black women on twitter that I could follow that are into film since I want my timeline to reflect my interests, and I had the intention of creating a small group chat but there were way too many responses for that so I decided to create a forum instead. Film Fam is a space for Black people to discuss and gush over all things film/television/entertainment without trolls, arguments, and negativity. I want this forum to be a place where you can retreat from other forms of social media or life in general, and allow yourself to indulge in the art of film with other people. There’s a category for each genre as well as categories where you can ask for advice from others, vent, post your work for exposure and feedback, catch up on industry news, and more! Being the business-minded Capricorn that I am, I already have big plans for this site and am excited to see its community continue to grow.
I recently repurchased this because a moisturizer I’d been using has been breaking me out and I realized it 4 pimples too late! Every pimple I get leaves a dark spot, regardless of its size, so I always need a trustworthy and effective product to treat them as soon as they appear. This has become one of my favorite cleansers of all time alongside the Glossier Milky Jelly Cleanser and the Neutrogena Hydroboost Gel Cleanser.
The cleansing bar is definitely on the stronger side so it can be used as a mask and exfoliant as well since it comes with 2 sponges and it contains the following:
It sounds harsh to have so many powerful ingredients in one product but it works. My skin never feels tight or dehydrated afterwards and I always see quick results when using this. The first time I purchased this back in April/May I had some very dark spots on my cheeks that faded away by about 85% within a month of using this cleanser twice a day. I’m not good with keeping up with weekly treatments and sometimes I get lazy with doing my full routine at night, so having a cleanser to treat my dark spots is better maintenance for me and gives me better and quicker results.
Good Trouble on Freeform
The title for this show is quite fitting for all the characters but especially the protagonists Callie and Mariana. Despite always having good intentions, they often get themselves into trouble that causes never ending drama. I’ve seen every episode of The Fosters and it’s been so nice to see Callie go from a troublesome foster kid to a young lawyer who’s putting her passion for justice and fairness into action. But even though Callie has gotten older, her character still has major boundary issues and gets herself in trouble with her family, peers, and the law by constantly trying to save other people.
She puts justice and morals above the law and rules, even as a lawyer. She’s always willing to risk her career and license to practice law to do what’s right, but I do hope that she grows to find a balance between self-preservation and doing what’s right when she can. I’d love to see a little more character growth with her character by navigating her passion for justice and her lawyer profession more sharply as a young woman. She lets her emotions lead her and dictate her decisions and it often gets her in trouble both with the law and people she loves.
I also don’t like the portrayal of Black women on this show as loud SJWs with martyrdom syndrome, constantly self-sacrificing for the liberation of Black men and the collective of Black people. Black women in tv and film deserve more than having identities and lives that revolve around social justice and racism, we are complex human beings that have issues that often have nothing to do with white people, as Kasi Lemmons put it. I’d like to see issues that Black women face explored that don’t revolve around romantic love or race. But I will say that I do enjoy the ongoing exploration of sexism in the tech world with Mariana’s storyline as an engineer. Mariana being as pretty as she is was bound to cause some workplace issues and I’m glad the show really went there with it instead of glossing over it.
Johnson Publishing Company Headquarters
As hideous and tacky as it can be, I have a thing for 70s interior because I’m drawn to warm tones and have always enjoyed the retro look of all things that are a product of the 70s. There’s always this nice mix of coolness and coziness that embodies 70s interior that i love, it’s never too sterile and impersonal looking.
On Becoming A God In Central Florida
I only watched this show for two reasons: 1) I love tacky Southern white people culture, especially in the 80s. 2) I will literally watch anything with Kirsten Dunst. She’s never disappointed me. I was kind of sad when I read about her feeling a way about not receiving the praise throughout her career that she thought she deserved.
Kirsten Dunst shines in this role as a charming and domineering southern woman who is recently widowed and a single mother. Immediately after her husband’s death she becomes way past desperate to make ends meet and keep a roof over her and her baby’s head. She makes the decision to resort to selling FAM products, a huge pyramid scheme that heavily encourages bootstrap rhetoric while selling the ultimate American dream of being rich while being your own boss. It all becomes ironic because her husband died while in the process of trying to sell others on FAM and Crystal doesn’t really realize how messed up and shady the FAM business is until she sees what’s going on behind the scenes. This show is a great example of the inner workings of capitalism and how there’s always someone at the top reaping the benefits of other people’s work, subsequently reaching godlike status within their business and being worshipped by those that work for them as they hope to one day reach level.
Sade’s Gold Hoops
Simplicity is a forgotten art these days in pretty much everything, but especially when it comes to appearance. I talked about the importance of having a uniform a few months ago which included having a signature accessory. Sade’s signature look of a low braid/bun/ponytail with red lipstick isn’t complete without her thick gold hoops. I feel like this is the kind of accessory you can put on to give the simplest of outfits a more classic and refined look.
The Black Godfather
I’ve watched this repeatedly since it came out earlier this year and I am forever simultaneously angry and marveled at the fact that I had no idea who Clarence Avant was until this documentary came out. This man is one big bundle of power, generosity, and love who made it his mission to push Black people forward, especially in the entertainment industry. It really inspires me to know that there are still some good Black folks behind the scenes that make it a point to look out for others and are conscious about presence of Blackness in the entertainment industry. He’s planted so many seeds to inspire others to pave the way and pay it forward and I really hope he won’t be the last of his kind.
I was reading an article about how a married couple lives in the same home but have their own separate sections of the house to have enjoy their solitude at and I can’t stop thinking about how much of a dream this is. I LOVE my alone time and I always need time alone to decompress and just chill after a long day, especially if I was being social and was around too many people. The thought of having to share a bedroom with the same person for the rest of my life makes me mad and I’m not going for it tbh. I think always having a healthy amount of space apart from your partner is how a relationship can thrive because it’s all too common for couples to grow annoyed and bored with one another from literally being cooped up under each other at all times. I can’t believe we normalized that shit. I need to destress in my wing of the house for at least 30 minutes after work and then we can link up in the living room. Then when it’s time for bed we will be sleeping separately because I don’t like to share my sleeping space or bathroom. Men are gross.
I am so paranoid these days about food and where it comes from which is why I’m so obsessed with having my own farm and garden one day, it’s extremely important to know where your food comes from because most of us don’t but it’s not really our fault since corporations lie way too often. I really have this nagging feeling that a lot of the food we eat has a great chance of causes some serious illnesses as we reach older ages because of the pesticides, genetic modification, etc. of our foods. Many of the methods we’ve come up with to produce our food faster have been quick fixes in which we’re unaware of the long-term effects unfortunately. Of course Oprah is a billionaire and easily has the means to do something like this but it’s still inspirational nonetheless. In my thirties and beyond I plan on being the cool auntie whose cuisine is always farm-to-table and looks 45 when I’m 80 because of my plant-based diet.
My nigga my nigga, my muhfuckin nigga. King of composing an iconic score. EMMY WINNING, OSCAR NOMINATED KING, I should say. If you don’t know who Nicholas Britell is, he’s the genius behind the scores for Moonlight, If Beale Street Could Talk, Succession, and more. I love listening to the scores for Moonlight and Beale Street when I just wanna lay down and relax or if I need some background noise while I’m writing. You can literally hear the romance, curiosity, and wonder in every note of his scores for each scene and it takes me back to the film every time I listen to it, it’s like I’m watching it in real time in my head.