There is a very weak and counterproductive, extension of third-wave feminism making its rounds that believes women using their femininity to rely on men and use their for monetary gain is radical and something new, despite the fact that it’s been done since the dawn of time. There will always be a variety of men in our world, varieties that include bummy and abusive, whether they’re rich or poor. I now consider hypergamy as really the bare minimum when it comes to women dating smart and improving the type of men they choose to get involved with. After seeing how many women have become stressed out, destitute, and left financially vulnerable as a result of partnering with someone of an equal or lower class as them, it should be common sense to everyone now that it’s best to leave them alone. I don’t care how tough the economy is, I’m not dating a broke man out of financial obligation to pay the rent. I’ll join a co-opt with Black women before I do that. Men are enough trouble as it is.
The landscape of dating has changed drastically over the years and it cannot be denied anymore. Men have become lazy when it comes to courting and so have women, many lowering their standards to accept whatever a man is willing to give, thus lowering the standard for other women across the board as well. It creates a domino effect that leaves women around the world wondering why so many men have now resorted to insisting on coffee dates, ice cream at the park (are we 5?), and smoking in their car that hasn’t been cleaned since the day they drove it out the dealership lot. As I said before, the economy going to shit has influenced this as well, but that doesn’t mean that every man on the planet is broke so that’s still no excuse for men to be as crass, pitiful, and cheap as they are now.
So what do we do next? How do we as women avoid falling into that trap of dating financially destitute men again? We take those lessons, learn from our mistakes, and apply it to level up in every area of life. If you want different results, you have to do shit differently, it’s really that simple. And this is where the practice of hypergamy comes in, defined as “the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class.” Society operates from a male-centered, patriarchal foundation which means that men are more privileged than anyone, regardless of race or class. That male privilege will always be present, this ain’t PEMDAS, nothing cancels out. I consider myself to be old-fashioned and traditionally when it comes to dating, I’ve always believed in men being providers especially since we live in a patriarchal society that affords them plenty of opportunities to do so more than women. Not only that, but they are also paid more than women even when working in the same positions with equal or less experience. They have many balls in their court, always. No pun intended.
In my opinion, the case for men being providers will always be stronger than say, suggesting an equal partnership financially where both parties go 50/50 on everything. It’s a no-brainer that the basis of relationships are about partnership and equal give and take, but the same can’t necessarily be said when it comes to the financial aspect. There is no equality on any level in society between men and women so I don’t believe in women being required to share half of what they have with a man who probably has double or more of what she does. It actually remains unequal that way because she is left to give a little more than what she can while he gives the same amount but it hasn’t put the slightest dent in his finances. If I wanted to split the rent I would move in with one of my friends.
There has been an influx of women on Twitter and Youtube who have dedicated their platform to teaching women how to snag a man of means and be a kept woman by way of performing old fashioned femininity even to their own detriment. It sets back the progression of any sort of feminism and female independence, encouraging women to become clones of one another as they perform sexist, classist, stereotypical, and generally outdated aspects of femininity. “Don’t get a job, working is masculine! Men like this kind of makeup, not this kind! You’re not attracting men of means because you’re masculine and loud (aka not a pushover)! Don’t wear jeans on dates, jeans are for working men! You need to be a dainty, helpless mouse! Rich men don’t like fat women!” It’s ridiculous at this point.
All of the advice often contradicts one another, and it especially contradicts the idea they’re selling about any sort of female empowerment, which makes me believe that there isn’t necessarily one concrete, foolproof way to secure a man of means anyway. So I take everything they say with the most infinitesimal grain of salt. If all of this advice guaranteed successful results, then these women who claim to be experts on the art of hypergamy and charge women to “consult” and “coach” their dating life would be married to big time millionaires. But they are not, and they’re not for a reason. You will not be able to convince me that dating a bunch of supposed men of means is better than just getting married to one and calling it a day, as the former sounds like an exhausting, never ending race.
Almost all of the “advice” I’ve read regarding hypergamy does not encourage women to become successful and financially stable in their own right. It does not encourage women to use discernment, it encourages women to chase a bag regardless of the kind of man it’s attached to. I was really shocked and disappointed at the amount of women, some of whom I follow, that were cheering Lori Harvey on for dating P. Diddy after it’s been said that 1.) she’s dated his son and 2.) a few weeks prior his ex Gina Huynh gave a heartbreaking interview detailing the physical and psychological abuse she endured at his hands for 5 years 3.) his immature, narcissistic ways as a man were exposed after Kim Porter passed and the public revisited their relationship as he publicly and performatively grieved her death on social media.
Lori dating around monied men in the entertainment industry is not strategic or something to look up to, because now her name is attached to a plethora of men including weirdos like Trey Songz and Future. I don’t know about y’all but I value my name and reputation, and I would die, be born again, die, and be born again, and die before I ever breathe the same air as those two. In addition, Diddy was rightfully clowned for the way he treated Kim Porter and the general consensus was that he is indeed an emotionally abusive and dangerous man, but all of that was thrown out of the window when Lori Harvey came into the picture because she’s half his age and is known like her mother to leech off of men with money. Women have become so desperate for public figures to live through that they support and praise the most fucked up things.
It all reeks of desperation on both ends; Diddy wants someone to control and make him feel good, and Lori is applying the teachings of her madame mother Majorie by dating a wealthy man because apparently even with all the connections she has, her beauty, and multimillionaire stepfather Steve Harvey, she’s not able to do anything substantial for herself. It only looks cute on paper. Diddy, like many wealthy men, purposefully seeks out young 20-something girls despite him being almost 50 years old, especially young girls like Lori who are looking for a bag, because it makes it even easier to control and abuse them. This money and sex-obsessed culture we’re living in drives people throw their dignity and integrity out the window when money is involved, even when people try to claim they’re better than that.
I’m using Lori Harvey as one of my examples for my point because I witnessed in real time how dangerously fickle and hypocritical people can be with their politics regarding dating and women in general. I honestly couldn’t believe the amount of people cheering on that dysfunctional relationship because I’m sure none of them would enjoy their ex-boyfriends casually dating their mothers, because it’s simply weird and uncomfortable. I’ve actually seen people on social media say that if Diddy is being abusive with Lori as well, it’ll be okay because at least he has money, as if any sort of abuse is worth a couple of dollars and clout. That is not the kind of message we should be sending out to young girls and women because you’re basically telling them that it’s okay to sell their safety and general well-being for a price tag. Your sense of safety, health, and peace of mind should be priceless and that’s where a lot of people, including the hypergamy gang, fall short at.
Of course men are a handful and can be frustrating when it comes to romantic relationships as far as emotional intelligence or even compatibility goes, which is what I’m referring to when I say if I’m going to deal with men then they better not be annoying and a broke man who lacks goals and ambition. I am not referring to any kind of abuse, that should never even be negotiable or acceptable no matter how much money a man has because it will only get worse.
How can so many women tell other women to be smart about the men they date and make better choices, while cheering for this dysfunction? It’s not adding up for me. Dating an abusive, snake-ass man for money and attention is not smart because nothing makes you immune to that abuse especially when you’re only focused on monetary gain. That greed will cloud your common sense and judgement, no matter how smart or strong you think you are. There is a reason why Cassie left Diddy and flourished immediately after, and is now engaged with a baby on the way. Again, it doesn’t make sense to me that people are somehow cheering Cassie on for leaving Diddy, knowing that he’s not a decent man, while cheering on Lori at the same time. It just tells me that a lot of people are also confused individuals trying to follow what everyone else is doing, which is why I no longer take advice from most people anymore. Especially over this here internet.
That whole situation with Cassie/Diddy/Lori is a prime example of the dark side of hypergamy. When you go into the dating game hoping for a man to sweep you out of poverty because you’re tired of working and being independent and have dreams of living it up like some faux sugar baby on Instagram with designer bags and back-to-back vacations, there are equal and opposite outcomes to that. You could have a man with money and a great lifestyle, but it would stop there because you’re not doing anything else and nobody will take you seriously, truth be told. I would hope that at this point in society women would want more for themselves, especially Black women. Many Black women are under the impression that they can somehow follow in the footsteps of white women and get the same results, but it doesn’t work like that and never has. And it probably never will, which is why we need to embrace financial independence instead of letting other people make us feel ashamed about it because it’s “masculine” to have your own money and pay your own bills. That’s fucking stupid and it’s nothing but reverse psychology to keep women trapped under the control of men.
What’s ironic is that many of these same women who preach about hypergamy have laughed in the faces of men such as Steve Harvey, who give regressive and sexist advice to women when it comes to love like his infamous “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” book, only to turn around and churn out the exact same talking points, but instead trying to frame it as something new and radical because it’s coming from a woman this time. It all caters to men, their desires, and their ego at the end of the day, which is doing the total opposite of helping the progression of women in society. Is money worth continuing to feed into and perpetuate these unequal gender dynamics? I think the fuck not.
Women have somehow been convinced that replicating the selfish, reckless, callous, and heartless actions of men in love and dating is revolutionary and radical for women, despite the fact that we’ve all agreed on how terrible men are on a societal and intimate level. So why are women encouraging other women to imitate the wicked ways of men? This to me sounds like another case of the oppressed wanting to be the oppressor in an attempt to level out the playing field and get even, acting out trauma as a means of revenge, and sometimes on people who don’t even deserve it. Hurt people are hurting people, perpetuating a cycle in the dating world of spreading deceit, heartbreak, and resentment as much as an STD. I can tell you right now it’s not going to get us far and will only continue to poison the human population as a whole because as much as we don’t believe it, everything is connected. Then we will be left complaining about how trash everyone is and how hard it is to find a decent partner with respect and values when we’ve spent all of our time and energy influencing women to degrade men the same way they’ve done to us, all while somehow expecting better results and for them to treat us better as a group.
Instead of trying to be like men to act out some fucked up unresolved trauma from your last breakup, convincing yourself that all men are the same, go to therapy and leave those kinds of men alone. Once you heal it’s easy as hell to spot them before they even look your way and open their mouth, I promise you. Trash men are everywhere but you shouldn’t continue to live in fear of them and project that notion onto every man you come across, it’s a form of projection and self-sabotage. Not only that but it’s also just a mentally exhausting existence in general, just stay neutral with your emotions on the topic of men and life will be a lot more enjoyable.
I’m not saying that women need to be the bigger person either, because that’s not what this is about really. It all boils down to having decent character and having respect for yourself and others. I say this because the ongoing conversation on hypergamy rarely mentions even the possibility of love being present, which makes me think that it’s not a goal for any of these women that are encouraging this kind of lifestyle nor for the women that are gobbling up the advice like a Thanksgiving turkey. It’s rigid, greedy, and loveless and I can’t get behind it, though I did at one point when I was depressed, bitter, and temporarily relegated myself to being a Bitter Betty towards love and men. Not only do I not completely support the way this movement is going because it’s a soulless existence, but because it also rarely ends well too if you’re only in it for the money. You marry an ugly middle aged man for his money and next thing you know you’re miserable and drinking everyday because your life lacks any sort of substance, you’ve achieved nothing of significance, and you’ve basically sold your soul for illusory comfort. That to me is a form of settling and not respecting yourself, and it happens everyday.
I stopped listening to a lot of these women because as I matured and grew generally as a person and began to know myself better as well as the twisted ways of the world, the less believable I found it that these women somehow had the credentials and experience to tell women how to act and present themselves in order to attract a higher caliber of men. Why didn’t I believe them? Because they look like caricatures of the women they’re trying to emulate who are actually married to the kind of men they claim to date. I do not take advice from women with shifted wigs, poor makeup skills, and all around tackiness. I don’t mean to nitpick but I do expect women to look the part, physically and lifestyle wise, if they’re going to make a come up off of teaching hypergamy, trying to dictate how other women present themselves in the process.
When I compare the physical appearance of these women to wealthy socialites and women like Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton who’ve climbed their way up the social ladder to become literal royalty, there’s a huge discrepancy present. One does not look like the other nor do they carry themselves as such, nor is one in the position that the other is in and I think there is an obvious reason for that. There are also Black women in Europe besides Meghan that are married to royalty, and look nothing nor do they act like these dating coaches. If you’re going to try to switch up your image and lifestyle, at least follow behind the right people.
On one hand I do believe that water tends to seek its own level when it comes to our interpersonal relationships and to some extent, the people we mingle with and love reflect parts of us, good or bad. Before I took a step back to analyze my dating history and why I kept attracting the same kind of men, I never thought that I was a part of the problem but I definitely was because I don’t believe you are what you attract in the literal sense, but I do believe you are what you entertain. And I was a goofy bitch dating goofy niggas, a clown car if you will. Truly, I was. Hate to admit it.
Of course image is important when it comes to getting access to certain kinds of people and being in certain environments which is really to be expected, but I don’t think it’s healthy to change your entire being and essence to fit that mold because truth be told, everything ain’t for everybody. Your life is not going to be a version of Pretty Woman, just throw that fantasy out the window now. I will say though, that it’s an unfortunate fact that once you increase your standards and carry yourself differently, you do attract different kids of people. The problem is that some women do a complete 180 and forget who they are for the sake of securing a man, which isn’t even guaranteed. If you’re gonna change, do it for yourself and because you want to, not because you think it’ll get you a man. Once you start making yourself a priority, looking good for yourself, doing everything for yourself, you won’t even be thinking about a man because you’re so happy and content with yourself.
Even if every woman were to start being more feminine and change their appearance and date different men, marriage isn’t guaranteed for everyone because that’s not how dating works. That’s not how life works. As much as I would love for women to date up, not all of them want to or would even fit in those circles, and the latter doesn’t have to be a bad thing either because aside from changing your physical appearance, you have to change your mentality to something completely different as well, and not every woman is willing to do that which is fine.
Hypergamy is not accessible to every woman for a few reasons such as location, physical appearance, sexuality, etc. Many men in these higher class circles can be racist, colorist, classist, fatphobic, etc. which ends up excluding many women before they even get a chance to start. Unless you’re willing to further assimilate your image to fit what these men want on their arm, which would be really unproductive, then the chances of successfully engaging in hypergamy are slim, though not entirely impossible. Not to mention that many of the women that are in the target audience of this advice come from areas where rich or wealthy men do not reside, leaving them with slim pickings to begin with unless they decided to uproot their entire lives and relocate for a man they may or may not ever meet. There’s so many factors that effects women’s outcomes when it comes to hypergamy that people aren’t being open and honest about.
From what I’ve seen, the women who preach hypergamy to the masses of impressionable and naive women aren’t likely to be married into the circles they claim to date and tell other women to aspire to being included in, so those who can’t do, teach. Somehow, some way. They would be married by now since they claim to have access to so many high caliber men, but instead they’ve been relegated to the side chick who gets tricked on every now and again but they won’t tell you that part either. There’s many things they won’t tell you because it will burst the bubbles they blew for you out of a bottle of bullshit and lies. This is an era where anyone can read up enough on a subject and with the right image and conviction, they can convince anyone of anything. Everyone is an expert, coach, or guru without nary a receipt to prove the lifestyle they claim to live and the caliber of men they claim to date. It’s all smoke and mirrors.
Building a platform and making money off of desperate, vulnerable, lovesick, broke people will always be a thing so long as that group of people lacks a sense of identity, self-esteem, aren’t grounded in any way, and are driven by the desire for materialism above all else, thinking that there is some magic trick or spell to save them from their current circumstances when all the solutions and work lies within themselves. Many people wouldn’t be able to sleep at night and respect themselves in full if they did the things most people have to do to become rich and have nice things, there’s almost ways some form of exploitation of the self or others involved to achieve that status, as quiet as it’s kept. Whether it’s overworking yourself and sacrificing your time, stepping on other to get ahead, sacrificing your integrity, there’s usually always a price to pay. You just have to pick your poison accordingly I guess.
There’s always been a huge and seemingly growing market for men and women alike to preach to women about how to get a man, how to keep one, how to be a good wife, etc. because that’s what women have been taught to prioritize; love, marriage, relationships, etc. and financial security through someone else’s pocket at times. I see it all over Youtube, Instagram, Twitter, and even blogs by men barking at women in an aggressive and overbearing manner to become stronger, smarter women under the guise of tough love from the male perspective. It’s a form of exploitation of insecure, hopelessly romantic women on the speaker’s part. As long as women keep believing that being partnered is the end all be all both for their happiness and finances, they’ll never be free.
The women online who talk about hypergamy endlessly are always online presences with nasty, mean, condescending personalities. It’s almost as if they’ve missed their time to be mean girls in high school and are now acting out those fantasies. There’s a lot of talking down and snobbish behavior for no apparent reason, overusing the concept of Pick Me’s and throwing insults at people who poke holes in their little theories of what it takes to move up in society by dating. The audacity to call other women pick me’s when you’ve dedicated your entire online presence to helping women get a man is very ironic. The internet, Twitter especially, is a vortex of stupidity that’s easy to get sucked into if you don’t use discernment and know how to think for yourself. Otherwise, you will get influenced heavily by these con artists talkin’ like some connoisseurs. I personally can tell who’s committing fraudulence by the quality of their wigs and the way they interact with others.
What these people will also not tell you is two main things that will get you by in life, bringing you contentment and a greater sense of self that is not hinged on men in any way: 1) Accepting that romantic love is not guaranteed for anyone, at least not long-term. 2) Having your own money is the only true path towards freedom as a woman, not being relieved from your day job so you can be at home all day. Forcing yourself to become neutral about the thought of being partnered is hard but necessary because free will is a thing, and when it comes to love it’s a two-person process. Not only that, but it also requires one to become comfortable with being alone, which is not something that’s taught or even encouraged. I’m absolutely not saying that you’re unloveable and that out of the 8 billion people in this world no one will ever love you, but I am saying that being firmly set on one outcome is what often leads to disappoint and unhappiness in general.
Not to mention because of how society is set up as far as class, sexuality, and beauty standards go, it’s not even realistically possible for all women to marry up, which is another factor that discredits it from being a guarantee. For every man earning 6 figures or more there are 100 women competing for him without even realizing. Being flexible and neutral is the best way to live in my opinion. It opens you up to options and life paths you never even thought of, it leaves you more secure with yourself while still being open to all the possibilities that may come your way. It’s the best of both worlds. We have to learn to be okay with singleness while being able to financially support ourselves, that balance is crucial to prevent women from revolving their identity and lives around finding a man.
But those who lament on hypergamy will not tell you this because people like them need their audience and potential audiences to think that there’s only one way to be successful, happy, and loved. They need you to think that they have all the answers and solutions to your problems and have the ability to grant you everything you’ve been longing for from a broken, unhappy place. I never see any of these women encouraging other women to pursue their dreams, life purpose, and career goals with the same urgency, passion, and fervor as they do with telling women to not wear jeans on dates and stop being “masculine” (= independent and self-assured), in fact I see the opposite.
They constantly encourage women to ignore and put themselves as individual human beings on the back-burner in favor of men and their money, pushing them to develop an attachment to men for the sake of money. In what way is that empowering? They tell women not to bring up their accomplishments and success on dates because it will intimidate the man and make them think that they don’t need to “trick” on them and be generous. But you’d be surprised how many successful, dignified men would want a woman on the same level as them or at least on that track. Pretty women with nice bodies are a dime a dozen now which means it’s nothing special anymore and will not get you far these days unless you’re white or light skinned. Even then, it’s not guaranteed so don’t waste your life and potential thinking that it is.
The act of hypergamy and using men for monetary and/or social gain is nothing new at all, it’s literally been done by women since the beginning of time and it’s clearly gotten women nowhere as a whole, it’s more of an individualistic solution than a widespread cultural or systematic one. No matter how many women claim to be dating up, there will always be Pick-Me’s and women who accept the bare minimum from men, sending out the message that little to nothing is okay because it’s better than nothing. There’s a root cause to that issue which ties back into my points of women being obsessed with romantic love and not allowing themselves the luxury of being content with being single. Hypergamy is only a piece of the puzzle when it comes to trying to figure out how to combat this, a bandaid for the problem. Telling insecure, misguided women who are clearly clueless with dating to just continue dating, but choosing douchebags with money instead, is not a solution. That is not independence or empowerment. That is stupid.
In my opinion, I think a lot of women have not spent enough time with themselves to figure out their passions and life purposes, which is why they prefer to sit back and do nothing for the rest of their days before barely even trying to make something of themselves. I often joke about how hard it can be to balance your day job and creative endeavors, and how being a housewife would be easier but I’m not deadass about it. I daydream about being a housewife and a kept woman when times get tough but it’s always temporary for me because I know that I have very big dreams for myself that aren’t going to manifest into reality if I sit back and look pretty while doing nothing. I want to challenge myself to maintaining a work-life balance so I can look back and be able to say that I put blood, sweat, and tears into my long-term goals. I want to work my way up, transforming hard work into smart work along the way, and be able to make my own money and survive on my own. I want to be able to take pride in the fact that my work and mere existence is meaningful and that I can pay my own bills. Those are little things in life that everyone should strive for and be proud of at the very least, especially women since those opportunities are constantly trying to be snatched away from us by the hands of men.
I’m always going to advise women (who date men) to not date broke men who can’t provide because that’s in a woman’s best interest and at the very least she deserves someone who can give her everything she wants and needs. I will always tell women to run at the first sign of any abusive nature and shady behavior because your safety and happiness should always be at the top of your list for your priorities. I will always tell women to keep their standards high and not let anyone convince or shame them into lowering them to give any man a chance, because very few of them deserve the benefit of the doubt. What I won’t do is act like the rise of hypergamy in dating isn’t anything but another way to put men on a pedestal and act like they hold the key to women’s happiness and their ability to live their best lives. I will not convince you into thinking that a rich man will solve all of your problems and that once you start dating one, life is peachy keen because that is not true. I will not sugar coat anything and lie, trying to flip the reality of anything to make it look sweet and acceptable because many things in this life are anything but. Put your thinking caps on, get to work, and go make you some money. Men should be dead last on your list of priorities.